Steve Spillman

Auditions

I’ve been auditioning for commercials, films and such for a few years now. If you know what I look like, you won’t be surprised that I don’t get called in for many “leading man” type roles. The parts I typically audition for are of the “goofy character with under ten lines” or “stoned best friend” variety. When an audition appointment is set for me by my management, it is accompanied by an audition notice that includes the character’s name and a fairly lengthy description of them. Now, as an act-guy, I have a fairly thick skin, but sometimes these descriptions can be a bit blunt. I thought I’d post one here for those of you not in the “show-biz” :

Character: Failure #2

Description: An overweight slob with no prospects or any real purpose. Ideally, candidate has a pasty complexion and skin that appears stained with food, even when it is not. A sense of sexual desperation is key. Character should be so un-fuckable that the mere suggestion of intercouse with them causes dry heaves and/or sobbing in the viewer. Don’t mistake this for a “lovable loser” type. He is a loser, but a hateful and foul son-of-a-bitch type. Please: NO ACTORS WITH REDEEMING QUALITIES!!! We’re looking for a waste of atoms here, a real “God’s Mistake” type that the audience would gladly hit with their cars, then sleep like babies when they got home. Think: Charles Manson, but without the charisma …and really, REALLY fat. Please bring: Headshot, resume, restraining orders, Smelliest Fart Contest trophies and pictures of any scabs/lesions that might not be visible underneath clothes.

Posted October 24, 2010 at 8:16pm
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